Three Steps Back

I love it
I hate it
I need it
I crave it
I swear Im done
Then I fucking chase it

I know what it costs
I know what it takes
I know every promise this disease makes
I know every lie
Every line that I cross
I know every person
Every piece that I lost

Still when it calls
I answer
I fall
I can swear Im finished
Then bargain for more
I lock every window
Then crawl through the door

Just one
Just tonight
Just enough
I can handle it
I know what Im doing
I swear I can manage it
Then manage becomes damage
Damage becomes shame
Shame becomes craving
Craving calls my name

I fight it
I fall
I crawl
Then I call
I promise my people
I promise them all
Then one little thought
Turns into one little choice
One little choice
And I lose my voice

Thats the sickness
Thats the twist
I fucking hate it
But I fucking miss it
I know its killing me
Still I defend it
I know I should leave
Still I dont end it

Step One
No more lies
No more games
I am powerless
Over this thing in my brain
Not weak
Not worthless
Not broken beyond repair
Just powerless alone
And finally honest there

But knowing Im powerless
Doesnt tell me where to turn
So Step Two
I look for something
Beyond what Ive learned
Maybe help can restore me
Maybe Im not beyond
Maybe I dont need answers
Maybe I need someone

And if something can help me
Then I have to let go
Step Three
I stop pretending
That I know what I know
I turn over my will
I turn over control
Because the fight I called freedom
Was burying my soul

But surrender leaves nothing
To hide behind anymore
So Step Four
I open the door
I tear through the wreckage
I look at the scars
Every lie
Every secret
Every wound
Every part
Every person I blamed
For the shape that Im in
Every place where addiction
Started pulling me in

And once I can see it
I cant keep it concealed
Step Five
I speak what Ive written
I finally reveal
What I did
What I hid
What I feared they would know
The truth gets its power
When I finally let it go

But confession alone
Doesnt change who Ive been
So Step Six
I get willing
To strip down the sin
The habits
The ego
The reasons I hide
The parts of myself
That I kept justified

And willingness means nothing
If I still hold the wheel
So Step Seven
I get humble
And ask to be healed
Not healed on my terms
Not comfort or pride
Just help with the parts
I cant fix from inside

Then humility turns
Toward the people Ive hurt
Step Eight
I write down the names
And I face what Ive done
Every promise I shattered
Every trust I burned
No excuses
No edits
No place left to run

But a list isnt repair
And regret isnt change
Step Nine
I make amends
Where I can
Face the pain
Some forgive
Some dont
Some doors stay closed
I accept what I broke
Without controlling the road

And making amends
Doesnt mean Im finished
Step Ten
I stay honest
Before the old me can trick me
I catch my own thinking
Before one thought becomes action
Before action becomes damage
Before damage becomes relapse
I own it
I fix it
I dont let it grow

But self inspection gets brutal
When Im trapped in my head
Step Eleven
I get quiet instead
I pray
I reflect
I listen
I breathe
I look for direction
Instead of what I believe
I stop asking
How do I escape
And start asking
How do I live

And if I learn how to live
I cant keep it to me
Step Twelve
I reach for the addict
Still drowning where Ive been
I carry what saved me
I give what was given
Not because Im cured
Not because Im above
But because someone reached me
When I couldnt find love

Then I think Ive made it
Then addiction calls
One taste of the old life
And I fucking fall
Months of recovery
Gone in one night
Or thats what it feels like
When I wake to the fight

Three steps forward
Three steps back
I build up my life
Then run to the crack
I climb from the hole
Then dig it again
I swear Im changing
Then chase where Ive been

And the sickness starts talking
You failed
Youre done
You already fucked up
So you might as well run
You broke your promise
You wasted your chance
So pick up the poison
And fall back into the dance

But I know that voice now
I know where it goes
It wants me ashamed
It wants me alone
It wants one bad night
To become who I was
It wants me believing
That falling means lost

But the Steps never promised
I would never fall
They gave me a way
To get up when I crawl
So I dont start with shame
And I dont start with fear
I start where I started
When I first got here

Powerless
Still breathing
Still willing to try
Still scared of tomorrow
Still choosing tonight
No perfect redemption
No clean finish line
Just one more honest choice
Before I lose mine

Maybe freedom isnt
Never wanting the past
Maybe its knowing exactly
How fast I can crash
And when that old voice says
Come back
Come home
I finally know better
Than to go alone

I dont know how this ends
I only know where I stand
With my hands fucking empty
And my life in my hands

Chillout, Indie Pop, Folk, Alternative, Cinematic, Dark, Hopeful, Introspective, Inspirational, Motivational, Relaxing, Female Vocals, A Cappella, Rap Vocals, Singing-Rapping (Melodic Rap), Cello, Piano, Very Slow (<66 BPM), Slow (66-76 BPM), Moderate (76-108 BPM), Fast (120-168 BPM), Laid-Back, Steady, Erratic, sad, emotional raw female vocals, emotional cracking female vocals. Spoken word rap, singing rap, emotional, Blues, Lo-Fi, Reggae, R&B, Soul, Neo Folk, Trap, Tense, Sad, Aggressive, Epic, Chill, emotional progressive slow burn ballad