Glorious Retarded Dads

[Intro]
[Gang vocals] Hey! Hey!
We’re all retarded dads!
[Gang vocals] Hey! Hey!
Best you ever had!

[Verse 1]
Cargo shorts
Grass-stained shoes
Missed the turn
Hit the drive-thru
Minivan lifted
On a curb so high
Kids in the back scream
“Dad you’re gonna die!”

[Pre-Chorus]
Swore I’d grow up
Guess I just grew old
Lawn chair throne
Heart of gold

[Chorus]
We’re all retarded dads
Living like we never had plans
Minivan YOLO
Burning up the cul-de-sac
We’re all retarded dads
High-fiving every red flag
Hold my beer
Watch this
We’re all retarded dads

[Verse 2]
Swapped my bike helm
For your vape at dawn
Neighborhood chat says
“We should call your mom”
Grill on fire
I just fan those flames
If it still looks pink
That’s “medium” I claim

[Pre-Chorus]
Tell my kids
“Smart choices rule”
Then jump the fence
Like a middle school fool

[Chorus]
We’re all retarded dads
Living like we never had plans
Minivan YOLO
Burning up the cul-de-sac
We’re all retarded dads
High-fiving every red flag
Hold my beer
Watch this
We’re all retarded dads

[Bridge]
[Gang vocals] D-A-D!
Took the wrong degree!
[Gang vocals] D-U-H!
Still your MVP!
Riding shopping carts
Down the parking ramp
Broke my pride
But I kept the lamp (oh yeah!)

[Chorus]
We’re all retarded dads
Living like we never had plans
Minivan YOLO
Burning up the cul-de-sac
We’re all retarded dads
High-fiving every red flag
One more lap
Full send
We’re all retarded dads

[Outro]
[Gang vocals] Hey! Hey!
We’re all retarded dads!
[Gang vocals] Hey! Hey!
Best you ever had!